Hockey’s Summer of Shame Part 2: Grotesque Olympic Jerseys

In Part 1 I critiqued the newest NHL jerseys and it was mostly just a brutal hatefest. However, as bad as they were, none of them (expect maybe the Sabres third jersey) come close to being as horrendous as the 2014 Olympic hockey jerseys. These things are truly the shame of each and every nation involved. Sure, they haven’t all been released yet, but what has been is enough for me to lay down a beating of epic proportions.

We’ll start with the first country out of the gate, Russia. Here’s Ovechkin wearing both designs and he doesn’t seem too happy about it.

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You may think he’s trying to look tough, but he isn’t. He’s actually trying not to laugh.  Man oh man is that first one ever atrocious. It’ll bear the brunt of my criticism, so let’s focus on the other one first, which actually isn’t terrible. It has a few things going for it, but overall it’s still painfully below average.

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The shade of blue is an improvement from 2010 and the increased use of gold is also nice to see. Obviously the nation’s coat of arms logo is still great, as is the overall color scheme, but everything else sucks.

First of all, using the flag as stripes along the sleeves is moronic because the bottom red stripe of the flag blends in with the rest of the sleeve. They tried to prevent this with a gold border stripe along the top and bottom, but it doesn’t work. Second, the white waist stripe is just plain dumb. You simply don’t use white along edges, period. Third, the blue upper section doesn’t work for me. I’ve never been a fan of making the shoulders a different color, but if you have to do it at least don’t make it stand out too much. This stands out like an eye sore. Finally, there are a few gold stars on the shoulders in place of patches, but you can’t see them in this picture. Figured I would just save you a little agony.

Now, I know what you’re thinking, what about that fake lacing? You’re going to break their balls for that, right? Well, it appears as though that shit is going to be on every single one of these Olympic jerseys, so I’ll save my commentary on that failure until the end of this post.

OK, let’s go back to the real crime here, that revolting white thing with way too much going on.

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Wow, where do I begin? The sleeves are tacky, the blue waist stripe looks ridiculously out of place, and what’s with the miniature version of the coat of arms directly below the fake lacing? Totally fucking unnecessary considering the rest of the chest design. The silhouette of the two-headed eagle isn’t bad in theory, but its size and placement on here is pure comedy. Those tongues are practically begging for some underarm sweat. Hilariously disgusting. Lastly, it’s all topped off (see what I did there?) by the cheesiest set of wings you’ll ever see. The total package appears to be the result of a brainstorming session gone wrong, where every idea, good or bad, was tossed into a blender, whipped, and then poured out in disgrace.

As bad as the Russian jerseys are, the American jerseys are even worse. Far, far worse.

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Holy shit. Glow in the dark stars people, glow in the dark stars. OK, maybe not, but they sure as hell look like it. Who in their right mind thought that was a good idea? Seriously, who designed this? Who the fuck approved it? I mean, come on. Literally multiple people gave the OK on this thing. There was a process here whereby a team of supposedly intelligent and educated individuals actually pushed this over the line. That’s insane.

Then you have the Union Pacific Railroad logo on the chest. I kid you not, Google it. Other than the fact that they ripped off a corporate logo and/or created one of the weirdest partnerships in hockey history, it’s still terrible. I fully expect Queen to reunite, with zombie Freddie Mercury in tow, and perform “Fat Bottomed Girls” while the Americans take to the ice.

The rest of the jersey isn’t bad, well, except for that shade of navy blue being too dark, but whatever. It’s a simple design that would have been really damn good if not for the fact that they blew chunks all over it. If you’re going to go with a basic, clean design, you’ve got to nail the logo 100%, to which they didn’t come close. Oh, and then someone pissed stars all over it just for kicks. God damn this thing is a nightmare. At least I can be thankful that both jerseys are relatively the same design. The inbreds that approved this must have left some real doozies on the cutting room floor.

Well, that’s it for the officially released jerseys, though we do have this leaked image of Jonathan Toews looking humiliated in what can only be described as the worst Canadian hockey jersey ever.

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Hahahahahaha! It looks like Canada has to suffer with some of that terrible glossy shit on the shoulders as well. It’s unclear what the shapes are at this point, but they’re rumored to be maple leafs because apparently that’s the only symbol anyone can relate to Canada.

Much like the American jerseys, it’s a simply design with nothing going for it. Placing “CANADA” below the chest logo using that pathetic bit of font is pointless and screams of afterthought. The giant white stripe only being on the left sleeve is horrid. Match the sleeves or get the fuck out. This amateurish design looks worse than most practice jerseys. As bad as this design is though, it has nothing on the reported third jersey. Yup, Canada will have a third jersey and it’s completely black and gold. If it looks anything like the mock-up over on icethetics, it’ll be glorious. Gloriously awful, that is.

So that’s it for now, but before I close this off I’ve got to get back to that God damn fake lacing that’s going to show up on every single one of these Nike created atrocities. Here’s a closeup view of it from one of the Russian jerseys.

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No! No, no, no, no, no!! This is a biblical level tragedy. I’m not a religious man, but I wish I was so that I could pray to Jesus and he’d actually listen to me. I would beg for him to ride down from heaven atop a chariot of fire and smite those that have besmirched the noble tradition of hockey jerseys. What a complete and utter joke these things are.

Look, if you don’t want to put actual laces on the jerseys, then don’t. No one will care. Jerseys have been made without laces since the beginning of time. Sure, they’re a nice touch, having a retro look and lending a little bit more definition to the neck line, but that’s it. These God damn horrific face laces don’t do that, they just look ridiculous. They don’t pop, they look like they were smeared on with clear lip gloss, and they lack any semblance of fashion sense or purpose. The entire human race is now lesser in the eyes of our extraterrestrial neighbors and I for one will applaud their eventual takeover and slavery of mankind. It can’t come soon enough.